Room To Ruminate

I spend 23 out 24 hours alone most days. I read, learn, observe, plan the next hour, I turn to look out my window, remember last year, and overthink.

ry to figure out my life, all of it, every day. I want all the answers now. Where should I be? Am I here? Who will I love? Am I am on the right path? 

Somedays are filled with so much doubt I can literally do nothing but walk in a circle, push against imaginary walls with the tip of my pencil, and try to see through time - before right now and after. And then I think things like, "There's no room in rumination" and let that roll around for an hour. Because it's true, thinking too much, analyzing minute details of mixed messages, reading into disappointments that have long disappeared can be overbearing. I write notes to my self, scribble thoughts into thin air, ink on skin. Sometimes not sure what I'm trying to say. Looking to answers an hour a day. 

But these thoughts, they're just distraction, my imagination providing me with the little bit of drama I am prepared to handle. write with pencil, write a poem, erase words that don't rhyme, replace them with words that do, take photos that evoke feeling, emotion, and represent me, delete the many which don't, then start over again tomorrow.  I'd like to think this overthinking and ruminating, these notes to myself inspire me to get better at everything every day, if not in one day. 

Karen LloydComment